So, around the time I started college where I knew something wasn’t quite right.
It started on my birthdays, perhaps as early as my senior year in High School. Each year, I just had that off feeling. I didn’t want to do anything, just sit on my bed, and well, sit there. I thought nothing of it.
This continued for a few years.
I dropped out of college, because I just didn’t feel right. I started chatting online (in the early days of the Internet, this meant IRC), and I overdid it. Between my funk and feeling connected, I stopped going to classes. I went to a pretty decent school that I couldn’t really afford, under pressure from my parents. They wanted me to do well, and put me under extreme pressure. That didn’t quite help.
After dropping out, I took on several jobs – all of which sucked, including my current job. I’ve been there now 23 years. It’s a Civil Service job in New York City.
At the time I felt it was the best I could do being a college drop out.
It pays well, but the environment sucks. Management treats the employees as less than dirt. Every time I thought of finishing college, my parents were to the point – I’d be an idiot to give up a sure, well paying job. Forced sixteen hour days? Think of the money. Think of my pension.
I started to reprogram myself, to get through life by just barely fulfilling my given function. As everyone told me, that’s all that mattered. Just be a drone.